Imagine waking up one day to find your child taken, with no warning, and feeling utterly powerless to do anything about it. This was my reality and is, unfortunately, the reality for countless fathers caught in a family court system that seems stacked against them.
I’m Derek, a father whose life was turned upside down when my ex-wife, Rebecca Salyers (formerly Rebecca Milliron), left with our son, Tanner, without any discussion or warning.
I’m sharing this story not to criticize her but to shed light on the biases and barriers that fathers often face in custody battles. My story reflects a broader problem—a lack of advocacy for fathers who are often unfairly stripped of their rights to be in their children’s lives.
The Breakdown of a Marriage
Looking back, I see that there were red flags I missed. Rebecca frequently accused her previous partner of abuse, and eventually, these accusations extended to me, undermining the trust and communication in our marriage. She rarely posted about me on social media, only the kids, and there was an overall absence of positive affirmation or acknowledgment.
Accusations of infidelity came often, and if I reacted, she’d flip the narrative, gaslighting me into thinking my response was the problem. The pain and confusion that came with these wrongful accusations were difficult to bear.
Then one day, she simply didn’t return.
Instead of discussing what had gone wrong, she accused me of abuse and cut off all communication. I haven’t had a conversation with her about it since. The shock and betrayal of suddenly being separated from my son were overwhelming.
Bias and Barriers: A Father’s Fight for Custody
From the outset, the Trumbull County Family Court system seemed biased against me. After Rebecca’s accusations, I was stripped of all my parental rights without a shred of evidence. It felt as though I was presumed guilty simply for being the father.
In our first hearing, Magistrate John Pico not only dismissed my plea for equal time with Tanner but actually chuckled when I requested it, treating it as if the idea of a father having equal custody was absurd.
For the first two to three months, I had no contact with Tanner. I couldn’t see him, speak to him, or even know how he was doing. The court had stripped me of my role as a father without any due process, effectively making me a stranger in my son’s life. The court’s response felt dehumanizing as if a father’s place in a child’s life is somehow secondary or optional.
Financial Bias and Unfair Burdens
The financial strain of this battle added yet another layer to the injustice. Despite both of us working full-time, the court ruled that I should pay nearly $1,000 a month in child support.
Magistrate Pico decided to reduce Rebecca’s income in the calculation because she has another child, Eliana, for whom she chose not to pursue child support from her biological father. This meant I was financially responsible for supporting a child with whom I had no legal connection, while Rebecca’s choices went unquestioned.
This financial burden was overwhelming. For over two years, I was paying all of our household bills—including Rebecca’s phone, utilities, and other expenses—along with the child support for Tanner.
The court’s approach seemed to suggest that fathers should bear the entire financial responsibility without question, reinforcing the emotional and economic toll of this custody battle.
Parental Alienation and Its Devastating Effects
Rebecca’s approach went beyond court battles; her tactics of parental alienation drove a wedge between Tanner and me. For months, I had no contact with him, and even after I secured visitation rights, she put up barriers whenever possible. For example, we had agreed to a nightly phone call at 8 p.m., but if I missed the time by a few minutes, she’d refuse to let me speak with him. When she asked to change the call time on Mondays for a church activity, I agreed to help her, but if I missed the new time while getting used to it, she would ignore my attempts to reschedule.
This lack of communication and refusal to accommodate changes was a recurring pattern.
One of the most painful instances was missing Tanner’s kindergarten orientation because Rebecca didn’t inform me. Tanner’s questions, like “Why can’t I stay with you longer, Daddy?” cut deeply. It wasn’t just my rights being taken away—the court’s actions also robbed Tanner of his right to have both parents in his life.
The Broader Impact of a Father’s Absence
The absence of a father isn’t just a personal issue; it’s a societal one. Research shows that children from fatherless homes face significantly higher risks, including:
- Youth Suicides: 63% of youth suicides come from fatherless homes.
- Homelessness: 90% of homeless and runaway youths are from fatherless homes.
- Behavioral Disorders: 85% of children with behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
- High School Dropouts: 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
- Juvenile Detention: 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes.
- Substance Abuse: 75% of adolescent patients in substance abuse centers come from fatherless homes.
These statistics highlight the critical importance of a father’s presence in a child’s life. The biases in family court that remove fathers from their children’s lives don’t just hurt us as fathers—they harm the well-being and future of our children.
Advocacy and Resources: How Fathers Can Stand Up
To fight for our rights and make our voices heard, it’s essential to build awareness and connect with resources. Advocacy efforts like Fathers for Fair Custody (Fathers For Fair Custody – Because Every Child Deserves a Father) and The Fathers’ Rights Movement (The Fathers’ Rights Movement) are powerful tools for challenging societal biases and influencing policy change.
Sharing personal stories through social media, blog posts, and forums can build a supportive community and help shift public perception.
Support networks like The Fathers’ Rights Movement emphasize 50/50 shared parenting and equal rights, striving to address the biases fathers face. Another helpful resource, the Dads Resource Center, offers education, resources, and practical advice for navigating custody and child support.
Legal advice can be crucial, too. Fathers Help Network provides low-cost legal support and guidance, which can make a significant difference for fathers facing custody battles without extensive financial resources.
Documentation is essential. Fathers should keep detailed records of every interaction with the co-parent, from text messages and emails to notes on in-person conversations.
Co-parenting apps can be invaluable for keeping communication clear, tracking interactions, and minimizing misunderstandings.
Reclaiming My Fatherhood and Supporting Others
My journey through this painful custody battle with Rebecca underscores the systemic challenges and biases many fathers face in family court. The stakes are high—not only for us as fathers but for our children, who deserve meaningful relationships with both parents.
This experience has shown me how vital it is to stand up for our rights. By raising awareness, connecting with support networks, and using available resources, we can advocate for a fairer system. Fathers for Fair Custody is here to support fathers in this journey, promoting equal parenting rights and recognizing the importance of fathers in children’s lives.
How to Get Involved
Join Advocacy Efforts: Support organizations like Fathers for Fair Custody and The Fathers’ Rights Movement to help drive policy changes.
Share Your Story: Use social media and blogs to bring attention to fathers’ rights.
Utilize Resources: Seek legal and counseling services to navigate custody battles effectively.
Document Everything: Keep thorough records of all interactions, as these can be critical in court.
Let’s continue to fight for a future where fathers are not sidelined but are recognized as essential to their children’s lives. By coming together, sharing our stories, and advocating for fair treatment, we can create a system that prioritizes the best interests of our children—one where both parents are integral to their well-being.