A testimony of unconditional love, rock bottom, and coming home
I want to start with a question that might be haunting you: How far is too far?
How far can you run from God before it’s too late? How long can you stay away? How angry can you get? How deep in sin? How successful without Him? How hurt by His people?
If you’ve been away from God—whether it’s been 12 days or 12 years—that question probably keeps you up at night. “Is it too late for me?”
I found out the answer the hard way. And I’m writing this today because someone out there needs to hear it.
When the Church Breaks Your Heart
Let me take you back over 15 years.
I was a youth pastor at a small church. Not just attending—I was ALL IN. Running the youth group, playing drums, running sound, doing everything. The ministry was thriving. We grew from 5 or 6 kids to over 30 on Wednesday nights. In a church of maybe 75 people on Sunday mornings, that was explosive growth.
We were on fire. Fundraisers every month. Outreach events. Lives being changed.
And I was secretly falling apart.
I’d been smoking cigarettes since I was 16, deeply addicted. And I’d started a relationship with a girl at church that went where it shouldn’t have gone. We ended up pregnant. There I was—serving in ministry, leading youth, telling kids to live for God—while living a complete double life.
Here’s what nobody tells you about sin in ministry: It’s not just the sin itself. It’s the crushing weight of the hypocrisy. That weight destroys you from the inside.
Eventually, everything came out. I was removed from ministry.
And I left the church.
Not just that ministry position. Not just that building. I left God.
The Church Hurt Trap
If you’ve been hurt by church, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know that feeling where you can’t separate the people who hurt you from the God they claimed to represent. The place that was supposed to be safe becomes the place you can’t even drive past without feeling sick to your stomach.
Here’s what happens spiritually when we’re wounded by God’s people: We make a tragic mistake. We confuse their failure with His character.
Psalm 118:8 says: “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in people.”
But we do the opposite. We judge God by the actions of broken people. It’s like judging a doctor’s skill by what the janitor did. They’re not the same thing.
And the enemy loves this. If he can get you hurt by church people, he doesn’t have to attack God directly. He just lets your pain do his work for him. You walk away from the very source of healing because the hospital staff wounded you.
Here’s the hard question I had to ask myself: Was I mad at the church leadership, or was I mad at being caught? Was I hurt by them, or was I hurt by facing my own sin?
Probably both. And that’s the complexity of church hurt—sometimes it’s legitimate pain, and sometimes it’s our pride being bruised. Often it’s both mixed together, and the enemy uses that confusion to pull us away.
If you left church because you were hurt—I get it. I lived it. But let me ask you something: Has staying away healed that hurt? Or has it just added loneliness to your pain?
The Illusion of “I’ve Got This”
So I left. Tried another church briefly, but when that fell apart too, I was done. DONE with church. Done with “religious people.” Done with all of it.
And here’s what I told myself: “I don’t need that. I don’t need THEM. I don’t need any of it.”
But notice what I said? I said “I don’t need THEM.”
What I meant was “I don’t need HIM.”
I just didn’t realize it yet.
So I spent the next 12 years building what I thought was a great life:
- Got married
- Had my son Tanner
- Quit smoking cigarettes on my own
- Started investing and saving money for the first time
- Got a great job traveling across the country
- Making good money
- Got into self-improvement, meditation, all the “right” things
And you know what? I was proud of myself.
Look at me. I did this WITHOUT church. WITHOUT God. I got my life together. I proved I didn’t need any of that religious stuff. I was successful. I was happy. I had it all figured out.
And I was completely empty.
Success Without God Is Just Well-Organized Emptiness
Proverbs 14:12: “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.”
Here’s what we don’t understand about building a life without God: You can be successful and still be spiritually dead.
You can have:
- Money in the bank and poverty in your soul
- A full schedule and an empty heart
- Achievements on your resume and a void in your chest
- All the right habits and still be going the wrong direction
This is the most dangerous place a person can be—successful enough that you don’t think you need God, but empty enough that you can’t figure out why nothing satisfies.
The enemy doesn’t need to make you a drug addict or a criminal. He just needs to make you self-sufficient. Because a self-sufficient person doesn’t cry out for help. A self-sufficient person doesn’t think they need saving.
I was checking all the boxes:
- ✓ Self-improvement
- ✓ Meditation
- ✓ Financial responsibility
- ✓ Career success
- ✓ Family
But you know what I wasn’t checking? The God-shaped hole in my heart.
All I was doing was putting fresh paint on a crumbling foundation. I was rearranging furniture in a burning house. I was successful at everything except the one thing that actually mattered.
Maybe you’ve got it together right now. Good job, good family, good life. People look at you and think you’re doing great. But you know the truth, don’t you? You know that emptiness. That “is this all there is?” feeling. That quiet desperation behind the smile.
Success is not the same as significance. Achievement is not the same as purpose. Self-improvement is not the same as transformation.
You can improve yourself all the way to hell.
When the Foundation Crumbles
Then my wife left.
Everything I’d built—the marriage, the family, the life I was so proud of—it all came crashing down.
And suddenly, all those self-improvement techniques? All that meditation? All that success?
None of it could help me.
You know what’s terrifying? Finding out that the foundation you built your entire life on was made of sand. And now the storm’s here, and you’re watching it all wash away, and there’s NOTHING you can do about it.
I was in my mess, in my sin, and now facing losing my son.
I had never felt so powerless in my entire life.
The Gift of Rock Bottom
Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Here’s something nobody wants to hear: Sometimes God has to let us hit bottom before we look up.
Why? Because as long as we think we can handle it, we won’t reach for Him. As long as we’re comfortable, we won’t cry out for help. As long as we’re in control, we won’t surrender.
Rock bottom is a terrible place to be, but it’s also a sacred place—because it’s often the only place where we get honest. Where we stop pretending. Where we stop performing. Where we finally admit: “I can’t do this on my own.”
The Israelites didn’t cry out to God when they were comfortable in Egypt—they cried out when the oppression became unbearable. The prodigal son didn’t come home when he was partying with his friends—he came home when he was alone, eating pig food.
Crisis is often God’s invitation to intimacy.
Not because He causes the crisis—we usually do that ourselves through our choices. But because He uses the crisis to get our attention.
Maybe you’re in a crisis right now. Your marriage is falling apart. You lost your job. Your addiction is out of control. Your health is failing. Your kid is rebelling.
And you feel like you’re being punished.
What if, instead, God is trying to save you? What if He’s allowing your false foundations to crumble so you’ll finally build on the right one?
The Prayer I Shouldn’t Have Prayed
So there I was. Rock bottom. Everything I’d built was gone. My son might be taken from me. I was terrified. I was angry. I was desperate.
And after 10+ years of not talking to God—after a DECADE of silence—I called out to Him.
But here’s what you need to understand: I didn’t call out for help.
I called out to blame Him.
I was in my office, bawling, and I literally cursed at God.
“Why am I going through this? Why do I deserve this? What the fuck did I ever do to have to be here? This is YOUR fault! Where were YOU?”
Do you understand how ridiculous that was? I hadn’t included Him in my life for 12 YEARS. I had actively avoided Him. I had built my life specifically WITHOUT Him. I had told myself I didn’t need Him.
And now that my life was falling apart, I had the AUDACITY to blame HIM?
I had NO RIGHT to call on God. None. Zero.
I didn’t deserve an answer.
But He answered anyway.
God Prefers Honesty to Politeness
Here’s what shook me to my core:
God didn’t wait for me to clean up my language.
He didn’t wait for me to get my attitude right.
He didn’t wait for me to pray properly.
He didn’t wait for me to apologize.
He just showed up.
And what I felt in that moment—and I’m tearing up even now writing this—was unconditional love.
Not condemnation. Not “I told you so.” Not “clean yourself up and then we’ll talk.”
Just LOVE. Pure, overwhelming, undeserved LOVE.
Romans 5:8: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Not AFTER we get our act together. WHILE we’re still in our mess.
Do you know what this means?
- You can’t out-sin God’s grace
- Your anger doesn’t disqualify you
- Your struggle doesn’t eliminate you
- Your past doesn’t define your future
- Your worst moment is not God’s final word
The only prayer God won’t answer is the one you don’t pray.
I came to God in rage, and He met me with love.
I came to God in blame, and He met me with grace.
I came to God with curses, and He met me with compassion.
What’s keeping you from crying out to God right now?
Is it because you’re too angry? He can handle your anger.
Is it because you’re still in your sin? He already knows about it.
Is it because you don’t have the right words? He hears your heart.
Is it because you don’t deserve it? None of us do. That’s the point.
God doesn’t require a polite prayer. He requires an honest heart.
You don’t have to clean up before you come to God. You come to God TO GET cleaned up.
The Orchestrated Return
That encounter in my office—that moment of undeserved love—it saved my life. Literally.
But I still wasn’t sure what to do with it. I felt God’s love, but I didn’t immediately have some clear plan.
Then about a week or two later, I was talking to my best friend Rachel. And she casually mentioned she’d started going to Leavittsburg Church of God—the same church I’d briefly attended years before, where I’d played drums on Wednesday nights before giving up on church entirely.
And something in me said, “I should go with her.”
Now, I could tell you that was coincidence. I could tell you it was just Rachel being nice. I could tell you it was my idea.
But I know better.
That was God orchestrating my return. That was Him making the path easy. That was Him opening a door I thought was closed forever.
Joel 2:25: “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.”
I walked back into church. And it felt WEIRD. It felt awkward. Part of me wanted to bolt.
But it also felt like coming home.
What Coming Back Actually Looks Like
Let me be brutally honest with you about coming back to God:
It won’t feel perfect. And that’s okay.
You might feel like a hypocrite. You might still be struggling with your addiction. You might not “feel” anything when you pray. You might wonder if people are judging you. Heck, you might know people are judging you. You might have more questions than answers. You might feel out of place.
All of that is normal.
Coming back to God is not about having it all together. It’s about taking the next step even when you don’t.
Luke 15:20 (Prodigal Son): “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.”
Notice: The father RAN to the son while he was still a long way off. The son didn’t have to make it all the way home on his own. The father met him in the journey.
That’s how God works. You take a step toward Him, and He runs toward you.
I rededicated my life to God that day. And you know what happened?
God gave me:
- Strength for the 2-year custody battle that followed
- Endurance when I wanted to give up
- Wisdom when I didn’t know what to do
- Peace when I should have been panicking
I won shared parenting. Equal time with my son.
But more importantly, God picked up the pieces of my life and started rebuilding me from the inside out.
What God Does When You Come Back
When you return to God, He doesn’t just fix your circumstances. He transforms your character.
Sure, He helped me with the custody battle. But more than that:
- He gave me purpose where I had emptiness
- He gave me peace where I had anxiety
- He gave me identity where I had achievement-addiction
- He gave me community where I had isolation
- He gave me hope where I had desperation
Philippians 1:6: “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
God doesn’t just want to fix your moment. He wants to transform your life.
And here’s what I need you to hear: It’s not perfect even now. I still struggle. I still have hard days. I still mess up.
But I’m not alone anymore. And that changes EVERYTHING.
There’s someone there for me 24/7, no matter what. When everyone else is asleep, He’s awake. When everyone else is busy, He’s available. When everyone else gives up on me, He never does.
So How Far Is Too Far?
Let me come back to where we started: How far is too far?
Based on my story, here’s what I’ve learned:
1. You Cannot Out-Sin God’s Grace
I cursed at God after ignoring Him for 12 years, while I was still in my sin, blaming Him for my own choices—and He still showed up with unconditional love.
If that doesn’t disqualify you, what will?
Romans 8:38-39: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Nothing can separate you from God’s love. Only your choice to stay separated.
2. Success Without God Is Just Well-Organized Emptiness
I had EVERYTHING the world says you need to be happy. And I was miserable.
Matthew 16:26: “What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?”
You can climb the ladder of success only to find it’s leaning against the wrong wall.
3. God Doesn’t Wait for You to Be Perfect—He Meets You in Your Mess
I was still in my sin. Still angry. Still cursing. Still blaming. God didn’t care. He just wanted me back.
2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Your weakness is not a disqualification. It’s an invitation.
4. It’s Never Too Late
12 years. A decade of silence. And God welcomed me back instantly.
Isaiah 1:18: “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”
The only “too late” is when you stop breathing. Until then, it’s never too late.
5. The Only Prayer God Won’t Answer Is the One You Don’t Pray
My prayer was angry, messy, and inappropriate. God answered it anyway.
Psalm 145:18: “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”
Notice it says “in truth”—not “in perfect theology” or “in the right words” or “in the right attitude.”
Just be honest. God can work with honest. He can’t work with fake.
Where Are You Right Now?
Are you the person who left church because you were hurt?
It’s time to come home. God is not the people who hurt you.
Are you the person who has it all together on paper—but you’re dying inside?
Success is not salvation. Achievement is not peace. You need more than self-improvement. You need transformation.
Are you the person in crisis right now?
This is not punishment. This is invitation. Cry out to Him. Even if you’re angry. ESPECIALLY if you’re angry.
Are you the person who thinks you’re too far gone?
You’re not too far. God ran to the prodigal son. He’ll run to you too.
Are you the person who’s been away for years—and you don’t even know where to start?
Start with honesty. Start with a prayer, even a messy one. Start by taking one step toward Him.
What Do You Do Right Now?
If you’re ready to come back to God—or come to Him for the first time—here’s what it looks like:
1. Be honest with Him.
Tell Him where you’re at. Angry? Tell Him. Scared? Tell Him. Don’t know what to say? Tell Him that too.
2. Ask Him for help.
You don’t have to have the perfect prayer. “God, I need you” is enough.
3. Take the next step.
That might be going to church. That might be reading the Bible. That might be calling someone. Just take ONE step.
4. Don’t do it alone.
Find community. Find people who can walk with you. God didn’t design you to do this alone.
My Prayer for You
Father God, someone is reading this right now who’s in one of the stages of my journey. They’re hurt. They’re successful but empty. They’re in crisis. They think they’re too far gone.
I pray that Your Holy Spirit would speak directly to their heart right now. Not my words, but YOURS.
For the person who’s been away—welcome them home. Let them feel Your unconditional love like I did in that office.
For the person who’s hurting—heal their wounds. Help them separate people’s failures from Your faithfulness.
For the person who’s in crisis—be close to them. Let them know You’re not punishing them, You’re pursuing them.
For the person who thinks they’re disqualified—show them they’re not. Show them that grace is greater than guilt.
We don’t come to You because we deserve it. We come because YOU invited us. We come because the cross says we’re worth dying for.
Meet them here today. In their mess. In their questions. In their doubt. In their faith. Just meet them.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
How far is too far?
There’s no such thing. Come home.
If this story resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you. Drop a comment below or reach out. You’re not alone in this journey.