I cursed at God, like full-on f you, sobbing in my back office on a random Tuesday afternoon, and the wild part is he loved me anyway, and I hadn’t talked to him in almost 15 years, no church, no prayer, nothing, and the first thing I said wasn’t “save me,” it was “this is your fault,” and five years later I walked into a church in my street clothes and got baptized, no white robe, no altar call, no emotional montage, just me walking into the water like screw it, let’s go, and if you’re wondering how that happened, watch my story.
youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2k_nFIFJp8
I’m sharing it because I know there are a lot of people who walked away, not just from church, but from God, and they think they have to get clean before they can come back, and I’m telling you straight up, that’s not how it worked for me, and I don’t think that’s how it works at all.
How I Started: Pentecostal, Youth Pastor, All In
I grew up Pentecostal, my dad was a minister, and if you know anything about that world, you know it’s intense, hellfire and brimstone energy. I was a good kid, I did the right things. By my early 20s, I was youth pastoring, grew the youth group from a handful of kids to about 30, I was all in, but I was also smoking cigarettes and hiding it because I knew the rules. If I got caught, I was done – no more ministry, no more respect. I look back on that and it just feels messed up, because the pastor was overweight and the “your body is a temple” verse apparently only counted for cigarettes and not donuts, you know what I mean.
That’s the thing about church culture sometimes, it’s not always the faith that hurts, it’s the way people rank sins and decide which ones are disqualifying. I was living a double life, youth pastor on Sundays, hiding cigarettes during the week, and then I got my girlfriend pregnant, and that was it, I was removed from ministry.
Instead of working through it, I just walked away from everything, not just the church, God too.
Fifteen Years Away (And A Life That Looked Fine On Paper)
Here’s the part that surprises people, life was actually pretty good without God, at least on paper, I got married, I had my son Tanner, I had a great job, good money, travel, investments, the market was down when I started buying so I had great gains, my wife and I bought a house on a five-year mortgage and we were like a month away from paying it off.
I thought I had it all figured out and I didn’t need God, I was winning.
And then one day I was working from home and my wife just didn’t come back, no warning, no talk. She left and took the kids to her parents, and in one afternoon I went from feeling like I had everything to feeling like I had nothing, and the months after that were a blur.
I would sit on my couch staring at the wall, watching the clock, worried about custody, worried about Tanner, worried about the lies being told about me, and I was still in love with her when she left, so the whole thing broke me in a way I wasn’t ready for.
I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, I had dark thoughts, I was trying to keep working, keep being a good dad when I had Tanner, keep fighting for custody, while falling apart on the inside, and then one afternoon I broke.
The Day I Cursed At God
I was in my back office, sobbing, and I finally cried out to God, but not in a pretty way. It wasn’t “Lord save me,” it was “why is this happening to me,” and I didn’t feel like I had any right to even call on him. I had ignored him for 15 years, and yet the response I felt wasn’t shame, it was love, like a wave of unconditional love, no words, just a feeling that I didn’t earn and couldn’t manufacture. That’s what messed me up, because I knew I didn’t deserve it, and yet it was there anyway.
That moment didn’t fix everything.
It didn’t erase my pain or magically heal my life, but it cracked me open enough to start moving back toward faith, and that’s how I ended up going back to church, not because I wanted to look religious, but because I needed something real, and I wasn’t finding it anywhere else.
Coming Back Didn’t Fix Me (And That’s The Point)
This is the part most people don’t talk about. I still smoked weed, I still cussed, I still struggled with pornography and addiction, and I was trying to force myself to be perfect, which led to a cycle of guilt, a week or two of “doing good,” then a slip, then a crash back to zero because I felt like I was failing God. That shame kept me stuck for a long time, because shame says “you’re disqualified,” and that’s a lie.
What changed was realizing that I don’t think God hates the sin the way the church taught me. I think He hates the consequences of sin, because He loves us, and that reframed everything. It wasn’t “God is mad at you,” it was “God is trying to protect you,” and that flipped the whole story in my head.
Shame Is Not God’s Voice
I’m gonna say this as clearly as I can, shame is not God’s voice. Shame makes you hide, shame makes you run, shame makes you cover up with fig leaves, and we do it all the time. I think churches, even well-meaning ones, hand out guilt like it’s gospel, and that’s not the same thing as conviction. Guilt says you’re dirty, conviction says you’re loved and you can change, and that distinction mattered for me.
When I finally walked back into church, nobody interrogated me, nobody asked where I’d been. People just said “good to see you,” and that simple love did more than any lecture ever could, and that’s why I think the enemy uses shame so effectively, because it keeps you away from the very place you need to be.
Why I Chose Baptism (Even Though I Wasn’t “Fixed”)
When the church announced baptism, I knew I had to do it, I’d been baptized as a kid, but this time was different, this was my decision, not for my dad, not for the church, not to prove I was good enough, because I wasn’t, and I’m still not, and that’s kind of the whole point. I wanted to declare that I was choosing God even in my mess, not after I cleaned myself up.
So I walked into the water in my street clothes, no robe, no performance, no dramatic music, and I said “God, this is me, I’m yours”. Even if I mess up, even if I ghost for a week, even if I skip church, I’m coming back, no excuses. When I came up out of that water, I felt alive, not because I was perfect, but because I was honest, and I hadn’t felt that in a long time.
What I Want You To Know If You Walked Away
If you walked away from God five years ago, ten years ago, fifteen years ago, you don’t have to clean up first, you don’t have to quit smoking first, you don’t have to stop whatever thing you think disqualifies you, the shame that’s keeping you out is not God, most of the judgment you’re afraid of is in your own head or from other people, and I say that as someone who lived it.
God loved me when I didn’t deserve it, and that love is the same love I try to give my son, if Tanner ever told me “I hate you,” I’m still loving him, and if I can do that as a flawed human, imagine what God does for us, that’s the part that keeps me grounded, not because I’ve got my act together, but because I know I don’t have to.
What The Church Got Wrong (At Least For Me)
I’m not here to bash churches, there are a lot of good people and a lot of good churches, but for me, the vibe growing up was “be perfect or you’re out,” and that makes you hide when you’re struggling, because you’re scared of being exposed, and that pressure doesn’t produce holiness, it produces double lives.
I lived that, so when I came back, I had to unlearn the idea that God was just waiting to catch me messing up.
The thing that pulled me back wasn’t shame, it was love, and that’s why I’m so loud about it now, because if you think God is mad at you, you’re going to run, but if you think God loves you, you’re more likely to turn around, and that one shift changes everything, not instantly, but over time.
If You’re Not Ready For Church Yet, Start Here
If the idea of walking into a church gives you anxiety, I get it. Start smaller, pray in your car, talk to God like you’re talking to a friend, be honest about where you’re at, you don’t need fancy words, you just need real ones, and if you do decide to go back to church, find a place that feels like people, not performance, because the wrong environment will make you hide, and the right one will make you breathe.
Also, don’t overthink the timeline, you don’t have to fix everything in a week, you don’t have to solve all your theology questions first, you just have to take one step, and that step is usually just honesty, and that’s where things start changing.
Key Takeaways (TL;DR)
- I walked away from faith for nearly 15 years and came back after a breaking point.
- God met me with love, not punishment, even when I cursed at him.
- Coming back didn’t instantly fix me, but it changed how I saw shame and grace.
- Baptism was a declaration, not a reward for being “good enough.”
FAQ: Walking Back To Faith
Do I have to get my life together before I come back to God?
No, that’s the biggest lie, come as you are, the change happens after you come back, not before.
What if I still struggle with addictions or bad habits?
That was me, and I’m still working through things, God isn’t waiting for you to be perfect before he loves you.
Is baptism required to come back?
It’s not about a requirement, it’s about a decision, for me it was a moment where I said yes again.
Closing Thoughts
So yeah, that’s why I got baptized at 38, not because I had it all figured out, not because I was some fixed version of myself, but because I decided to stop running, to stop hiding, and to let God love me even in the mess, and if you’re reading this and you feel like you’re too far gone, I promise you you’re not, I was literally yelling at God and he still met me with love, and if he did it for me, he’ll do it for you.
If this resonated, watch the video and let me know where you’re at, I read the comments, and I actually care, because I know what it feels like to feel alone in this and you don’t have to be.