Parenting with a Ghost: When Shared Parenting Isn’t Really Shared
When the judge signed off on my shared parenting plan, I thought I’d finally made it.
I imagined some awkward-but-functional version of teamwork—two divorced adults passing the baton and collaborating to raise our son Tanner. Kind of like divorced coworkers trying to run a startup called “Childhood.”
Instead?
I ended up co-parenting with a ghost.
No collaboration. No back-and-forth. Just two solo acts parenting the same kid in completely separate orbits.
That, my friends, is what they call parallel parenting—and if you’re a dad navigating the system, you need to know what it means, how it works, and why it might be the most frustrating-but-necessary path forward.
Let’s get into it.
What Is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting is shared parenting without shared effort.
It’s when both parents legally have equal rights and time, but they operate independently. You do your thing on your time. They do theirs. No daily check-ins, no collaborative planning, and honestly? No vibe.
There’s typically minimal communication, except when the court requires it.
It’s not ideal. It’s not warm. But it’s better than nothing if the alternative is being sidelined from your child’s life.
How I Ended Up Here: My Parallel Parenting Story
So here’s what happened:
After nearly two years in a messy custody battle, I submitted a shared parenting plan in the state of Ohio.
Important note: You don’t need the other parent to agree to submit one.
In my case, I submitted. She didn’t. That meant the court could either:
- Adopt my plan.
- Create one of their own.
- Default to the every-other-weekend model.
They chose to adopt mine—with some tweaks.
- I got final say in medical decisions.
- She got school district control.
- I asked for zero child support (since I have Tanner 50/50). They reduced it from $1,000 to $500/month.
Legally? A win.
Emotionally? Different story.
Because even though we have “shared parenting” on paper, we don’t actually parent together. We parent in parallel. No communication unless court-required. No team huddles. Just two solo players.
Pros, Cons, and Cold Reality of Parallel Parenting
✅ Pros:
- Equal time with your child
- Less conflict from less contact
- Clear autonomy when it’s your parenting time
❌ Cons:
- Feels disconnected, like you’re flying solo
- Harder to coordinate school, medical, etc.
- Conflict resolution = back to court (yay paperwork)
🚧 Hard Truth:
You can’t force someone to co-parent. You can only control how you show up.
That’s what parallel parenting is about: control, calm, and showing up even when the other parent won’t meet you halfway.
Myth vs Reality: What Dads Aren’t Told
| Myth | Reality |
|---|---|
| You need both parents to submit a plan | Nope. In Ohio, you can file solo. |
| The court will create a balanced plan for you | They’ll often adopt what’s submitted first—if it’s solid. |
| Lawyers always fight for your best interest | Only if you push them. Vet them hard. |
| Shared parenting = cooperative parenting | Legally, yes. Practically? Not always. |
Parallel parenting is what happens when cooperation collapses, but the court still grants you equal time.
It’s not a coparenting dream. It’s a fallback that still lets you be there for your kid.
You Can File a Parenting Plan Solo (Seriously)
This is the part they don’t tell you: you don’t need mutual agreement to get a shared parenting plan on the judge’s desk.
If your state allows it—and many do—you can file your own parenting plan.
And if the other parent doesn’t submit one? The judge can adopt yours.
That’s exactly what happened to me.
Did it work perfectly? Nope.
Did it give me equal time and a voice in decisions? Absolutely.
Why I Asked for Zero Child Support
Let’s talk money.
I have Tanner half the time. I cover his food, clothes, school lunches, and daily expenses when he’s with me. My position was simple:
“Why should I pay child support for a child I parent equally?”
The court didn’t go all the way with me, but they did cut my payments in half.
Lesson: Don’t assume fairness. You have to request it.
The Lawyer I Fired (And Why You Might Need To)
My first lawyer didn’t push. She played it safe, treated me like a line item, and left strategy on the table.
So I let her go.
It was awkward. It was costly. But it changed the trajectory of my case.
Don’t be afraid to fire your lawyer. You’re not buying comfort. You’re buying strategy.
Checklist for vetting or replacing your custody lawyer
How AI (Yes, Really) Helped Me in Court
I used ChatGPT and Perplexity AI like legal assistants.
I fed them:
- Custody laws
- Court docs
- Case summaries
They gave me:
- Plain-English explanations
- Case precedent
- Ideas for filings
- Emotional detachment (which I needed)
If you’re representing yourself—or just trying to understand your own case—these tools are invaluable.
[Affiliate Link #4: Start using AI to prep your case like I did]
Real Moment: Why I Keep Showing Up
So why go through all of this?
Here’s your answer:
At the end of the video, Tanner and I do a little scavenger hunt. I surprised him with a new gaming headset so he could talk with his friends on Discord while we game together.
His whole face lit up. Like genuinely lit up.
That moment—that smile—is why I parallel parent.
Not because the system is fair. Not because the plan is perfect. But because showing up matters, even when it’s hard.
My Top 5 Rules for Surviving Parallel Parenting
1. Keep Communication Kid-Centered
No digs. No personal drama. If it’s not about your child, don’t send it.
2. Set (and Maintain) Boundaries
You’re not being “difficult” for speaking up. Be clear, calm, and direct.
3. Document Absolutely Everything
Every ignored text. Every refusal. Every hiccup. The paper trail is your friend.
4. Assume Good Intent, Until Proven Otherwise
It’s easy to jump to worst-case motives. Start with grace. It preserves your energy.
5. Make Your Kid the Priority, Always
Not your pride. Not the last word. Not the court win.
Just your child.
Final Word: You Don’t Need Ideal. You Just Need Present.
Parallel parenting isn’t what I imagined. But it gave me time, access, and space to show up consistently.
And for now? That’s enough.
You can co-parent with a ghost and still raise a whole human. You can navigate a broken system and still protect your kid. You can be exhausted and still be present.
So fight smart. Stay calm. Document everything. And never let the system convince you that your presence doesn’t matter.
If this hit home, check out this video of me and Tanner facing off in Mario vs. Donkey Kong. Spoiler: he wrecked me again.
Love your faces. Later nerds. 🌟